Love and Hate
by redheadedasianchick
Summary: "Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire." - Kurt Tucholsky Lily/James Marauder Era Rating may change, depending on later chapters
1. Prologue

**"Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire." - Kurt Tucholsky**

Lily Evans was, by nature, prideful. She knew when she was right, and she definitely knew when she was wrong, but Merlin help the person who called her out on it. Lily was also, by nature, the best friend anyone could wish for. She was the kind of friend who you could always trust to guard a secret. She could tell what you were thinking just by the look on your face. Lily Evans was, by nature, a lover. She always sought to ease the fears and be a comfort to the broken hearted. She could tell when you were hurting. She always knew how to fix people. She knew how to fix everyone but herself.

It was easier for her to focus on how much she hated him. She hated the way his hair stuck up in the back, even before he rumpled it. She hated the way his eyes lit up gold and hazel when he was pleased with something. She hated the way that he always knew exactly what to say to ruffle her feathers. She hated the way that he always looked at her when an expression that was half heavy lust and half rage. She hated the way he moved with a casual elegance that she could only dream of having. She hated the way girls looked at him when he walked through the halls, and the way there were always whispers in the girls' lavatories about his regular broom-closet escapades. She hated the way her body warmed at his slightest touch when he breathed an insult into her ear, and she hated all the unbidden memories his scent and closeness arose in her. She hated the fact that she knew how to hurt him with her words. She hated the fact that she wanted to hurt him for all the ways he had hurt her. She wanted him to suffer the way she had suffered. She wanted to show him just how much hatred he deserved. She hated him for deserving it. She hated him for hating her. She hated how easy it was for her.

But most of all, she hated the fact that she didn't hate James at all.

James Potter was, in fact, much like Lily Evans in many ways. He was prideful and strong-willed, much like her. He hated knowing that he was wrong, and he hardly ever admitted it, even to his best friends and brothers Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. James was the best friend any of these boys could wish for, and he was also their unofficial leader. He was the one who had decided to stick with Remus after the boys had discovered his "furry little problem." He was the reason why Remus Lupin still had his sanity. James was the steady one of the group. While the other boys had their emotional and personal ups and downs – Sirius with his ever-constant parade of girls, Remus with his lycanthropy and prefect duties, and Peter with his general feelings of insecurity – James was the one who knew how to handle his emotions and feelings. He was the one the other boys would come to, on the rare occasion that they needed to talk to someone. He was the one that knew when they were down, and would help lift their spirits with witty banter and a joke. He was the balanced one, the calm one, and the strong one.

Except when it came to a certain red haired witch.


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N: So here's the second chapter of Love and Hate. This story came to me while I was reading a play. I've even put a reference, if you will, of that play into this chapter. Hopefully I'll get more feedback for this story. It's always more fun writing when you know that there are people who actually enjoy reading your work, so PLEASE review when you get done. Speaking of reviews, thank you to thedevilandgod, who was my first reviewer for this story. Thank you **

**And now, on with the show. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or any of the characters in the books/movies. Only the storyline is mine. **

Chapter 1:

As the four girls walked toward the scarlet steam engine, there was a definite sense of home coming in the air. They were headed toward their seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and they were all feeling excited at the prospect of another year of school, and nauseous at the thought of leaving the safety of Hogwarts for the real world.

Lily Evans, the very bright, very redheaded leader of the group, was anxious to get on the train already. She flicked her hair behind her as she looked around, choosing the best way to navigate through the hoards of people on the platform.

"Who are you looking for, Lily?" Emmaline Vance, the pale blonde haired, blue eyed beauty of the group asked her friend sweetly.

"Who do you think, Em?" Marlene McKinnon sidled up to the two, threw down her bag, and crossed her arms around her chest. "She's looking at how to best avoid Potter." She pointed to a group of people ten yards away, laughing uproariously. "Now that Miss Priss has a new big, shiny badge she can't afford to lose her cool on the first day."

"Shut it, Mar." Lily huffed and started off in the opposite direction of where Marlene had pointed. "I was not looking for James. I can handle myself just fine when he's around. And I do NOT lose my cool, thank you very much."

"I would like to disagree with that Lil." Alice Prewitt, who was a sweet, round-faced girl and the mother of the bunch, was trying to keep up with the other three and sounding out of breath. "You always lose your cool with Potter. You two have some sort of merry little war between the two of you. And since when do you call him James?"

"Never." Lily was still trying to fight the crowd, and was having a hard time dodging elbows. "I don't know what you mean by a 'merry little war'. And I don't call him James." Lily, whose gaze was directed over her shoulder at the gaggle of girls behind her didn't see the human barrier in front of her until she ran into him. She let out a muffled scream as she bounced off the person's chest, and fell over onto her suitcase.

"Nice to see you too, Evans." Lily opened her eyes to see a very tan, hazel eyed James Potter holding out his hand to help her up. "If you wanted me to give you a hug, you didn't have to attack me. You could have just asked." His ever present smirk was more beautiful than she remembered. Lily shook her head to clear it and, ignoring his hand, got up by herself.

"Why would I risk my physical wellbeing by hugging you?" Lily brushed off the back of her jeans and picked up her suitcase. "I don't know where you've been." There were chuckles from the people surrounding them.

"Oh, I've been lots of places… Places where you're too much of a stuck-up priss pot to admit you've been to as well." James' knowing smirk grew, making Lily burn with anger.

"You're such a goddamn liar, James Potter. How dare you accuse me of being like you? I'm not the one sneaking filthy whores into broom closets because he's not mature enough to actually have a real relationship."

James' face screwed up with anger.

"Well at least I'm not just leading them into thinking that I want a real relationship with them, and then dumping them like trash like some people. At least I don't go screwing around with people's emotions. They know what I want from them, and they know I won't give more." His handsome face was flushed. "Out of all the things you can accuse me of, Evans, lying aren't one of them."

He turned and walked away from them, leaving a crowd of people surrounding Lily alone.

"Lily…" Emmaline touched Lily's shaking shoulder, "what was he talking about?"

"Nothing Em." Lily picked up her bag, not looking at her three friends.

"Come on, let's find a compartment."


	3. Chapter 2

**A/N: whew. I just wrote a 1500 word chapter. Hopefully you guys will like the change in length. This chapter covers the train ride home (most of it). **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series, or any of the characters. I just like to play around with them **

Lily was steaming. Why couldn't she learn to hold her temper? She could tell that her face was as red as her hair right now, and she tried to hide her blush as she walked through the corridors of the train car with Emmaline, Alice, and Marlene following along behind her. Finally, as the train started to move, Lily found an empty compartment.

"In here." Lily walked into the compartment, dragging her bag behind her, and froze. The compartment, which she had previously thought was empty, wasn't empty at all, but contained a snoring Peter Pettigrew. And where there was one marauder…

"Oi!" Lily turned to see a tall, dark, and exceptionally handsome Sirius Black come up behind her, followed by a pale Remus Lupin, and a certain untidy haired James Potter who was wearing a scowl to match her own.

"Look Prongsie. Only fifteen minutes into the new year and we're already being followed by pretty girls.

"Technically, Black," Marlene said with a look of disdain, "you followed us. Not the other way around. So if you please, we need to settle in to our compartment, and there wouldn't be enough room for all of us to move around with your fat head in here."

Emmaline giggled, but was silenced by a look from Remus.

"Technically, McKinnon, we were here first." Sirius flounced into the room, and shoved his bag onto the luggage rack. "You know how the saying goes. Where there is one marauder..."

"There are four marauders. We know, we know." Marlene spat. "Why is Remus asleep anyway? It's 10 o'clock in the morning."

"Ahh... well, there may have been a little bit of a mishap this morning on the way to the train station." Sirius said, feigning a look of innocence.

"What exactly do you mean by a mishap?" asked Lily suspiciously.

"Well…" Judging by the look on Sirius' face, he was trying to find the best way to explain himself to Lily that would get him into the least amount of trouble.

"What Sirius _means_ to say is that we may have accidentally cursed Peter." Remus said. "And by 'we', I mean Sirius."

"What?" Lily rounded on Sirius.

"We got attacked by some Slytherins on the way to the station this morning. Sirius used the _Sominus_ spell and accidentally hit Peter." James finally spoke, in defense of his best friend.

"Sominus?" Emmaline frowned, "I've never heard of that spell before.

"He learnt the spell from me." James said, sighing, and ran a hand through his hair. "I didn't know the counter. It's my fault Peter's asleep."

Lily looked at James, and their eyes connected.

"I'm going to start heading toward the Heads' Compartment. No doubt that whoever the Head Boy is, he'll already be waiting for me." Lily flung her bag onto the luggage rack. Turning to the rest of the compartment, she straightened her badge. "I don't know when I'll be back. Marl, will you make sure that my bag gets up to the castle?"

"I'll carry it for you, Flower!" Sirius said brightly, giving Lily a cheeky grin.

Lily gave Sirius an eye roll and a grin and started to leave the compartment.

"Before I forget. _Vigilio_." Lily walked out, leaving them with a very disgruntled, yet awake, Peter.

"So.." Remus started, looking around the compartment, "I'm guessing that the only one who _doesn't _know that James is Head Boy is his Head Girl."

Everyone in the compartment nodded.

"Hey!" Sirius said, "How did Flower know the counter?"

"Because," said James, straightening his tie and slumping down on the bench next to Peter, "She's the one that taught me that spell in the first place."

Whoever the new Head Boy was, he was late.

Lily sat in the richly decorated Heads' compartment, waiting for his arrival. It was already 10:15, and they had a meeting with the prefects at halfpast.

Lily's mind wandered. It was so good to be back and on her way home to Hogwarts. It was such a comforting place. She never had to worry about anything she did back at the Evans' house, like Petunia's walrus of a boyfriend, her over-protective mother, or her dad and his ever-changing line of jobs.

In fact, there was only really one thing that Lily found herself truly worrying about at Hogwarts.

James Potter was probably the single most irritating thing on the planet, and he was constantly around her. It was like God had some sort of vendetta against her, putting together someone so thoroughly infuriating, and then putting him in the same little area of the planet as her. Year after year Lily had to suffer through James constant teasing and flirting and mockery. Year after year she had to endure the stares as the girl who James Potter was constantly asking out. Year after year she had to turn him down to keep her pride, even when she started to want the opposite.

It had started at the end of last year. Lily couldn't put her finger on when it had begun to happen: the gradual maturation of James Potter. He stopped asking her out. He stopped mocking her and her friends. He stopped trying to shoot bits of paper down the front of her robes during class.

He started becoming friendlier. He and the rest of the Marauders would sit with her and the girls during breakfast or lunch or even dinner and they would have fun being together. She found out that he could actually make her laugh. She found out that his smile was dazzling against his tan skin, and that his eyes were a bright hazel of green and gold behind his glasses.

She found out that he could actually give her butterflies.

They started to owl each other during the summer. She remembered the feeling in the pit of her stomach whenever she saw the dark eagle owl against the sky, knowing that the majestic bird carried another letter from James.

By the end of June, they had started meeting in Diagon Alley for ice cream at Florean Fortescue's or to peruse books at Flourish and Blott's. Their conversations were easy and he was polite and gentlemanly – opening doors for her, paying for her butterbeer at The Leaky Cauldron.

He had even come to a family dinner at her house once, invited by her own mother. He had been gracious and well mannered, complimenting Rose Evans on her "impeccable cuisine" and had been more than happy to explain Quidditch to her father. He had even made Petunia blush with pleasure when he said that he was pleased to meet Lily's "lovely flower of a sister."

That was the night he had kissed her for the first time, as they were sitting on the roof of her house looking at the night sky. He had kissed her, and she had kissed him back, and she had wanted more.

Lily couldn't pinpoint the exact moment she had fallen for James. She just knew that it had all come to an end. She felt sick to her stomach just thinking about it.

"Alright, Evans?"

Lily froze, still clutching her stomach. What was he doing here?

"Potter, what are you doing here?" Her eyes zoned in on the large golden badge pinned to his robes. "Where did you get that?"

James rolled his eyes and sat on the bench across from her.

"Same place as you, I'm sure. Unless you stole yours. In that case, not the same place as you." James smirked.

"Wait, what?" Lily still felt nauseous, and his presence wasn't helping. Especially when he wasn't making any sense. "Did you say you _stole_ that from someone?"

James rolled his eyes.

"That's exactly what I didn't say, Evans. You would know that if you were paying attention. It just so happens that I got this shiny badge here the good old fashioned way. It came in the mail."

Lily let out a groan.

"But that means… you're Head Boy."

James snorted.

"Yes. Really Evans, for being one of the brightest in our class, behind me of course, you sure aren't very good at deductive reasoning."

Lily felt her chest contract. If James was Head Boy..

"If you're Head Boy then..then _we'll have to share a room together_!"

"Actually, we'll have to share a common room together. And a bathroom. And a fireplace. And maybe a bookshelf or two. But that's it." James took a good look at Lily.

"Evans, are you sure that you're okay?" His brow furrowed in concern. " You look like you're going to be sick."

Lily felt like she was going to be sick, and, as the door to the compartment opened, she threw up all over the shoes of the nearest incoming prefect.

**A/N: I hope you guys liked it! Did anyone see that coming? The whole relationship thing with Lily and James? How do you guys like Sirius? How about Emmaline and Marlene and Alice? Any comments or suggestions? I would thoroughly enjoy anything you guys have to say, even if it is just constructive criticism. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't leave me hanging, and REVIEW! The more you review, the faster I'll write **


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry that this chapter took longer than expected. Good news! I am now done and over with school for this year! I'll be having a lot more time to write. Bad news (depending on who you ask): I have just received a promotion, which means that I'll have a lot more responsibilities at work. Anyway, I'll try to update much more frequently. Also, from now on the rating for this story is going to be M. I still have not decided whether or not I will have lemons, either flashback or during real time. Most likely, I will, but I'll give fair warning at the beginning of the chapter. Sooo! Without further ado..**

That night, the dinner hall was buzzing with conversation.

Marlene, Alice, Emmaline and Lily were undoubtedly in the noisiest spot of the hall, right across from the Marauders. Fortunately, they were too busy stuffing their faces to be too rowdy. Unfortunately, this meant that Lily had to fight Remus for the treacle tarts.

"I can't believe you threw up all down the front of Severus Snape's robes!" Sirius grinned at a still pale Lily from across the Gryffindor table.

Lily frowned. She had to admit, she felt better after she had finished heaving up the pancakes her mum had made for her that morning, especially after she had _scourgified_ out her mouth and recognized the face that belonged to the now ruined school robes.

At least Severus already hated her.

Still, the prefect meeting had been fine after that, with all of the friendly teasing from her fellow prefects and talk of what they'd done over the summer. Both Lily and James had remained pointedly silent then, and avoided each others' eye. Emmaline, who was the Gryffindor prefect besides Remus, noticed and kept to Lily's side during the meeting.

Patrol partners had been assigned, both for the train ride to Hogwarts and for nightly rounds. Traditionally, Head Boy and Girl were assigned together, and Lily could do nothing but stick to tradition, no matter how much she wanted to do otherwise.

"Riryy, canf foo paf jat pie?" Peter asked, his mouth half full with plum pudding.

"What was that, Peter?" Marlene asked, scooping another spoonful of butterscotch pudding off of Lily's plate.

"Hey! The pudding bowl is right there! Why must you always eat off of my plate?" Lily frowned at her best friend.

"Because you make everything sweeter, Lily dear." Marlene gave Lily a cheeky grin and swiped another spoonful. "Now Peter, what were you saying?"

"He was saying," said Sirius, who was halfway through a plate of chocolate éclairs, "that he wanted Lilyflower to pass him that plate of rhubarb pie."

Lily and Marlene's jaws dropped.

"And how did you get all that from the garbled mess of words that came out of his mouth?" Lily asked, astonished.

"My dearest flower, you must understand that I have been eating next to Peter every meal for the past six years." Sirius winked at her. "I have become very adept at translating words through food.

After the students had finished eating, and were contentedly full, the headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore, cleared the tables with a clap and began to speak.

"Dear students!" Professor Dumbledore's eyes twinkled from the Staff Table where he stood. "It looks like you have ardently enjoyed the beginning of term feast – some of you more than others." Lily could swear he winked at the Marauders, and her guess was confirmed when all four of them grinned impishly back at him.

"But now that we are back we must re-learn to not only appease the appetites of our stomachs, but our minds as well. You have all received your schedules for the next term, and any questions about said schedules can be resolved with your head of house. Lastly, if the Head Boy and Girl could meet with me in my office before they head off to bed. Pip pip!"

And with that dismissal, the whole of the Great Hall started to move toward their dormitories, leaving James and Lily to fight the masses toward Professor Dumbledore's office.

It was a ten minute walk to Dumbledore's office, even now that there was nobody else in sight. James was itching to use one of his secret passageways, but he didn't know how Lily would feel about that. He decided to let it go. She was already pissed at him, and he didn't want to make it worse.

"I'm sorry that I didn't take you seriously when you said you were Head Boy." Lily's face was hidden behind the curtain of her red hair. "Really, I think you'll do great."

"You were expecting Remus, weren't you?" James smiled at her. God knows he had been.

Lily smiled back at him, and James momentarily forgot the subject of their discussion. She was so beautiful. He didn't know why she even bothered trying. He remembered one morning during the summer when she had let him watch her get ready for their day together. She had taken so much time to get ready, pretty, for him, and yet she really didn't need to. He thought she was gorgeous, whether she had on makeup and a dress or if she was wearing sweatpants with her hair tied up in that messy bun she always wore before 9 am in the summer time.

That day was undoubtedly one of the best days of his life.

"James?" She raised an eyebrow at him. She had obviously been trying to talk to him, and he'd been daydreaming about her.

"Sorry. I was just thinking." He was glad when she didn't ask him what he'd been thinking about. He could see from the look on her face that she already knew. "I'm sorry that I started that argument this morning by the train. It was uncalled for." He led them down another corridor, passing by the statue of the humpbacked witch. "Besides, it looks like you really hurt yourself when you tripped over that suit case. You always were clumsy."

Lily flushed.

"I am not clumsy. I just don't walk well."

James raised an eyebrow, and they both laughed.

They had reached the staircase to the headmaster's office where the stone gargoyle sat.

"Whizzing Fisbees."

James led Lily up the spinning spiral staircase to Dumbledore's office.

"Ah, come in, come in. I was just finishing up this letter." Dumbledore folded the note and, tapping it once with his wand, set it on fire, and it disappeared.

Lily and James exchanged looks.

"Don't be so alarmed, dear ones. It is merely a more secure way of sending messages than by owl. Nearly impossible to be intercepted."

Lily and James exchanged looks again.

Dumbledore chuckled. "You are wondering why I would have need of such a messaging system." Dumbledore got up from his desk and made his way over to where the phoenix, Fawkes, was resting.

"That is a part of why you two are sitting here in my office tonight." The headmaster stroked the phoenix's head quietly. "If I am correct, you are both seventeen, the age of a legal adult in the wizarding world."

Both Lily and James nodded.

"As Head Boy and Head Girl of this school, you are bound to protect your peers and those younger than you. Do you accept this?"

They both murmured in agreement.

"The letter I just sent off was to a Mr. Alastor Moody. He's a member of what you know of as The Order of the Phoenix." Dumbledore turned away from the phoenix to look at his students.

"I have an assignment for you, if you're willing, from The Order."

Lily and James exchanged glances.

"What exactly would this assignment entail, Professor?" James asked, glancing at Lily.

"No need to fret, Mr. Potter. It should be quite safe for you and Miss Evans." The blue eyes twinkled, in a way James thought was entirely too knowing. "You will be doing some surveillance inside, and sometimes outside, of the school." Dumbledore moved to sit behind the enormous oak desk.

"You both know that there are students here that are not quite… _honorable_… to say the least." Dumbledore peered at them over his half moon spectacles. "Indeed, there are many students who I suspect are well on their way into Voldemort's inner circle."

Lily gasped.

"But surely, professor, they're too –"

"Young? Miss Evans. Surely a woman with such extraordinary knowledge and talent such as yourself can believe that sixteen and seventeen year olds are very capable of dark magic." Dumbledore smiled wanly at them.

"It would be our job to watch these students, Professor?" James asked.

"Yes, Mr. Potter." Dumbledore sighed. "It was not my intention, while choosing you and Miss Evans for Head Boy and Girl to become part of the Order's team inside the school. However, we are a bit shorthanded right now. You two are the perfect candidates for the job, since you both live here at the school, and – considering the useful resources that you possess – know the layout of the school better than anyone, except perhaps myself." Dumbledore winked at James, who flushed.

Lily lifted a quizzical eyebrow at him, but he refused to look at her.

"I accept the job, Professor," James rose out of his chair and bowed to Dumbledore, "But I don't need a partner to do it. I have all the resources necessary to accomplish this job alone."

Lily shot out of her chair, outraged.

"What? I'm not letting you do this alone, Potter." She glared at him before turning to Dumbledore. "Professor, don't you think that it would be best if he had a partner with him? Someone to watch his sorry a– er, back?" James started to protest, but she cut him off with a wave of her hand.

Dumbledore smiled at the two of them.

"Indeed, it is my policy that all order members have a partner on assignment. I do not doubt your abilities in any way, Mr. Potter. It is just that having two of you together is a much stronger team than two of you alone."

Lily smiled, satisfied with herself, and smirked at James while Dumbledore rummaged through the drawers of his desk.

"Ah, here it is." He handed them both a copy of a list of names. "These are the names of the students you will be surveying. You will notice that the majority of them belong to Slytherin House. It is my wish that you two, on several nights a week after your nightly patrols, and throughout the week keep an ear out for suspicious talk or activity." Dumbledore smiled warmly at them.

"I do not believe that much will come to light because of this task. However, I have been wrong before. Please be careful."

Dumbledore clapped his hands together.

"Now as it is getting late, you two should be getting off to bed." James and Lily both got out of their chairs, feeling drowsy at the mere mention of sleep.

"Mr. Potter, could I please have a quick word with you alone, before you leave?" James shot Lily a look, and then sat back in his chair.

"Good night, Miss Evans."

And with that dismissal, Lily set off to find the Heads' Tower.


End file.
